The Hidden Danger of Post-Separation Abuse in Custody Battles

Dr. Emma Katz, a leading researcher on coercive control and its impact on children, has spent years studying how abusers continue their control even after a relationship ends, often weaponizing the family court system. On her Substack, Dr. Katz explains that coercive control is a pattern of behavior that includes psychological, financial, and emotional abuse designed to dominate and intimidate a victim. Unlike physical abuse, coercive control doesn’t always leave visible scars—but it can be just as harmful. This form of abuse often escalates after separation, as the abuser shifts tactics from direct intimidation to legal and financial manipulation.

What is Post-Separation Abuse?

When a parent leaves an abusive relationship, they often believe the worst is over. But for many survivors, the legal battle is just beginning. Post-separation abuse occurs when an abusive parent exploits custody proceedings to maintain power over their former partner. This can include filing excessive legal motions, withholding child support, refusing to comply with visitation agreements, and using court-ordered therapy to gaslight the other parent. Disturbingly, some abusers even manage to gain primary custody of the children, despite a history of domestic violence. How is this possible?
Let us count the ways, all eight of them….

Abusers gaining primary custody of children, despite a history of domestic violence, is a shocking reality—one that happens far too often due to systemic failures within family courts. Here’s how it happens:

1. Courts Prioritize "Parental Rights" Over Safety

Family courts operate under the assumption that a child benefits from having a relationship with both parents, even when one parent has a documented history of abuse. Judges are often hesitant to fully sever parental rights unless there is extreme, indisputable evidence that a child is in immediate danger. Abusers are often awarded joint or even primary custody under the belief that they should still play an active role in their child’s life.

2. The Weaponization of "Parental Alienation"

One of the most insidious ways abusers gain custody is by claiming that the protective parent—usually the mother—is engaging in “parental alienation.” This term, originally coined by Richard Gardner, an antisemitic psychiatrist with ties to pro-pedophilia ideologies, is widely discredited by psychological experts but still heavily used in family courts. Abusers argue that the protective parent is trying to turn the child against them, making them appear like the victim. Courts often take these claims seriously, sometimes even more so than documented evidence of domestic abuse.

3. A Lack of Understanding of Post-Separation Abuse

Many judges and custody evaluators lack training in coercive control and post-separation abuse. They may assume that once a couple has separated, the abuse has ended, failing to recognize that abusers often use custody battles as a continuation of their control. If a judge doesn’t understand that the abuser is using the court system as a weapon, they may view the protective parent’s fear as “overreacting” or being “uncooperative.”

4. Court-Appointed Professionals May Not Be Trauma-Informed

Guardians ad litem (GALs), custody evaluators, and court-appointed therapists are often tasked with making recommendations about custody arrangements. However, many of these professionals are not trained to recognize the long-term effects of coercive control or domestic violence (as highlighted in this article on the HarmonyLaw.com blog). Instead, they may misinterpret a child’s fear of the abusive parent as the result of coaching by the protective parent. In cases where children express reluctance to see the abusive parent, the court may order “reunification therapy,” which forces the child to interact with their abuser.

5. The Misuse of Co-Parenting Therapy

Family courts often believe that therapy can “fix” the relationship between a child and an abusive parent. Instead of recognizing that a child’s fear or distress is a valid reaction to past trauma, courts may order co-parenting or reunification therapy, placing the survivor and the child in a vulnerable situation. In some cases, protective parents are even denied access to their children unless they comply with these harmful therapies.

6. Financial Disparities in Court Battles

Abusers often use financial control to their advantage. If they have greater financial resources, they can hire aggressive attorneys, file multiple legal motions, and drag out custody disputes until the protective parent can no longer afford to fight. This legal abuse—using the court system as a means to intimidate and bankrupt the other parent—can lead to devastating custody outcomes.

7. Judicial Bias and Outdated Beliefs

Some judges hold outdated views about family dynamics. They believe that a mother’s accusations of abuse are exaggerated or fabricated to “punish” the father. Research shows that courts tend to favor fathers in custody disputes, even when allegations of domestic violence exist. In cases where the abuser presents as calm, composed, and persuasive in court—while the survivor appears emotional, exhausted, or fearful—the judge may wrongly view the abuser as the more stable parent.

8. The Burden of Proof Is on the Survivor

Even when there is a history of documented abuse, the burden of proof falls on the protective parent to show why the abuser should not have custody. This is often an uphill battle, especially if the abuser was never criminally convicted. Survivors are forced to repeatedly relive their trauma in court, and if they do not have clear, undeniable evidence, their claims may be dismissed as unsubstantiated.

How Protective Parents Can Fight Back

If you are a protective parent facing a custody battle against an abusive ex-partner, understanding the system’s weaknesses can help you better prepare your case. Here are key strategies to improve your chances of keeping your children safe:

• Document Everything: Keep meticulous records of threatening messages, missed child support payments, police reports, and any evidence of coercive control. Even if your abuser was never convicted, a well-documented pattern of behavior can strengthen your case.

• Seek a Trauma-Informed Attorney: Not all family law attorneys understand coercive control and post-separation abuse. Work with a lawyer who has a successful track record of representing protective parents; one who effectively presents the danger your child may face.

• Push for a Custody Evaluation by a Qualified Expert: While some court-appointed custody evaluators lack training in domestic violence dynamics, requesting an expert who specializes in abuse cases may help ensure your concerns are taken seriously. At HarmonyLaw.com, our top-tier attorneys are well-connected with the most experienced and skilled custody evaluators. 

• Be Cautious with Court-Ordered Therapy: It’s never too late to seek legal assistance from a HarmonyLaw.com family attorney. If reunification therapy is ordered, your attorney, who is an expert in coercive control, will fight for you and your child, ensuring that they are not placed in an unsafe situation.

A System in Need of Reform

Family courts must do better. Judges, attorneys, and custody evaluators need mandatory training in coercive control and post-separation abuse, Dr. Katz argues. And she’s right about that. The legal system must recognize that an abuser’s right to their child should never outweigh the child’s right to safety. This is why domestic abuse victims must have the best legal representation.

Get the Legal Help You Deserve

At HarmonyLaw.com, we believe that no parent should lose custody to an abuser. Our experienced family law attorneys understand the complexities of coercive control and post-separation abuse, and we are committed to fighting for your child’s safety. If you are facing a custody battle, contact us now to connect with a skilled attorney in your area.